Behold. . .

Beware! This is long. And transparent. But I promised myself I would use my weblog thingy {I found out the proper word is “blogsite”, but whatever!} to glorify God even if that means I am not so glorified in the process. *sigh*

I came to a painful realization last night on our way home from church. The message was painfully convicting and I was reminded of a lesson that God taught me years ago:  He is more concerned with my holiness than my happiness. To be honest, that sounds SOOO painful and depressing to me right now and this morning I figured out why.

The past two years have been interesting ones for me. The two years before that were interesting, too. To summarize: I came to college with a fresh desire to be transformed into a woman that knows God, loves Him, and reflects Him to the world. That lasted for about two years and then the cost was too much to bear, because I was trying to do all of these things in my own power. I constantly felt like a failure and I wanted so badly to just escape the responsibility I felt to be perfect for God. So the next two years I met some new people, did some different things, and learned to relax a little bit. I finally started believing that I really couldn’t change myself– that it had to be in His power. But that little bit of relaxing turned into a lot of relaxing and “letting God do the work in me”, which over time turned into me not really thinking or caring about my spiritual growth. Not caring felt so much better than analyzing my every move. I felt liberated, my sense of humor grew, and I found a few things that I could be really passionate about, and I slowly became less neurotic. But, unfortunately, I don’t think I grew much closer to Jesus.

Back to last night: The sermon was about having lack of excitement, joy, and passion for the scriptures. That has definitely been me for the past 6-8 months. He explained that the more we are in awe of worldly things, the less room we have in our minds and hearts to behold the glory of God and to be in awe of Him. UGH. That’s too bad for me, because the things of this world have been fascinating to me lately. No, it’s too bad for Jesus, who came to die for the very garbage that I behold. Not all of it is garbage, but compared to Him, it should seem like it. The depths of my sin is really too much to bear.

I think all of this confusion came from a theological misunderstanding. Not until this morning after some quality time with Bible Doctrine, did I finally find what I was looking for. It was clear as day on p. 331:

“God and Man Cooperate in Sanctification”

The Holy Spirit works within me to change me and give me a great holiness in life, BUT I must also do my part by actively giving myself over to God through reading and mediation, prayer, worship, Christian fellowship, witnessing, and self-discipline. Point is, I’m not going grow on my own, but it’s not going to fall into my lap, either. I kind of knew that already, but I guess I needed to read it for myself at just the right time.

It is so hard for me to balance these two truths and to see how worthy He is of my affection. So all I know to do is ask Him to help me spend less time beholding the things of this world and more time trusting in this:

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